so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
