im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
