Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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