Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
