Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
