My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
