He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
