If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
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sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
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I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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