so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
