Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
