i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
