I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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