i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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