There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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