I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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