The maid of honor just puked.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
