I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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