My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
