mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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