New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
