Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
