The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
