If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
