I just saw a hot homeless man
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
