Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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