I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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