I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
