seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
