I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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