I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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