Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
