I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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