My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
