I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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