guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
