FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
