she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
