Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
