worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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