Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I am mentally ready for anal.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
