we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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