Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize