Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
