I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
