Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
