I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
