Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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