DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
