38 yer olds are good kisserssss
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize