He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
