Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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