Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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