New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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