After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
