We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
