Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
