I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
