remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
