just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize