I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
