I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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